the embodiment of an authentic connection between yourself and your children that allows you to honor who it is you each are without needing to resort to manipulation or control.
Each and every human yearns to feel free to be who they authentically are without judgment, guilt, or shame. Our children desire this deeply as well
When your children begin to be seen for who they are—separate from what society expects of them—you can rest assured that there is no greater gift
Maya Angelou once wrote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ... The past is the past, but it is this present moment that matters the most.
All this pressure arises from a fundamental belief system that is toxic: the belief that good parenting is about raising a superstar kid.As long as you think good parenting is about “fixing” kids, you will micromanage the living daylights out of them. You will try to manipulate and change them. ... If you are a day over forty years old, you have probably realized by now that the only person you can change is yourself. ... Your task is creating a new you.
Our children—just like us—deserve to live in a movie of their own making instead of one crafted by their parents or by the external world. When humans are allowed to carve out their own life experiences, based on their own authentic dreams and visions, they grow resilient and worthy. They see themselves as intrinsically “good enough.” So it is with our children. Instead of feeling that they have to live according to our expectations or fantasies, they need to feel anchored in their own authentic relationship with themselves. When we parents drop our fantasies for our kids and allow them to embrace and embody their own life paths, we give them the inestimable gift of self-worth and self-celebration. It all begins with our commitment to becoming attuned to who our kids truly are, instead of molding them into a fantasy version of who we think they should be.
Is love supposed to be “tough”? Does tough love feel good to you? It sure doesn’t feel good to me. Do you want to receive “tough love” from your friends or partner? Why should love be about punishment and control? Why can’t it be about empathy, compassion, communion, and connection? Love shouldn’t come with control, and yet this is precisely what a large chunk of our parenting is about. Parental love traditionally isn’t just pure and true love. It is love + possession + control. ... This awareness about the controlling nature of our love is profound. Without it, we will remain stuck in manipulative tactics that diminish our children’s sense of inner security and worth. You see, our children—no matter how small they are—have an inner knowing that they must be attuned to so that it can grow sturdy and consistent. How do we help this process? We eliminate our desire to control them and replace it with unconditional acceptance and attunement. It’s a matter of asking, “Who are my kids truly, and what are their needs?” instead of “Who do I want my kids to be based on my needs?”
we have been indoctrinated in a traditional fear-blame-shame model, in which we have been forced to suppress our own rock ’n’ roll fantasies. Because we haven’t integrated these suppressed parts of our own selves, we project this model onto our kids as well. We were raised in control and suppression, and so our greatest fear is to live without this control; hence, we control and suppress our kids. ... the mindset of control and how this impacts our connection with our kids in a toxic way. The conscious parenting approach asks parents to become aware of their internal control mindsets and how they impose these agendas on their children. ... When our kids protest, instead of making them feel guilty about doing something contrary to our “love,” we can empathize with them because we are now aware that we are the ones shoving our agendas down their throats
Our anger and control are not going to fix the problem. The fix lies somewhere else. The fix is not to engender fear within our children so they don’t make bad choices again, but to go deeper, to the root of the issue, and to ask, “What is beneath the problem behavior?” There are typically three main reasons for problematic behavior in children: (1) a lack of information, because they haven’t had enough life experience to know as much factual data as we do; (2) a lack of skill, because their brains are not yet fully developed enough to allow them to make choices as we would; or (3) a lack of self-worth, because they feel afraid and anxious that we might reject or invalidate them. ... All our issues with our kids can be turned around if we move away from anger and control and instead enter into a compassionate and deep inquiry into what is going on within them. Anger and control create separation and disconnection—period. If you are a parent who seeks to inculcate connection, these two toxicities of anger and control need to fade from your emotional repertoire.
Letting go of control is the hardest thing for parents to do. Let me make an important distinction here between being in charge and being in control. Letting go of control does not mean that you stop being in charge. It just means that you stop imposing control when your ways are violated. This is critical: being in charge and being in control are two different qualities. The former implies being responsible for your children’s safety and care, whereas the latter implies holding them responsible for how they make you feel about it all. Being in charge involves no conditions, while being in control is riddled with them. ... Why do I feel the need to have my way? Can I let this go?Why do I feel the need to be right? Can I let this go?Why do I feel threatened when my child acts in a way that’s different from my agenda? Can I let this go?
Remember: anytime fear is involved, there is some sort of disconnection. For true connection to occur, safety and the freedom to express ourselves as we are must be present. ... empathy is the cornerstone of connection and the basis of a strong relationship with your kids. Empathy can blossom only when there is no control. ... Recognizing the conditional nature of our love is difficult for us as parents, but once we do, we can refrain from unleashing this conditionality onto our children. Here is a powerful exercise to expose the conditional nature of our love: If my child behaves like..., then I feel proud. If my child behaves like..., then I feel sad. If my child behaves like..., then I feel angry. If my child behaves like..., then I feel disappointed. ... Don’t be hard on yourself if you now see the conditional nature of your love. This doesn’t make you a bad parent, just a human one. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most of us reach only conditional love. A rare few among us manage to touch unconditional love.
Most of the parents I have worked with share the unconscious belief that they hold the power over their child and should make decisions for them... Instead of asking why are we controlling her, they sought to control her even more. It can be hard to simply honor and accept your child's decisions. It's not yours to make it's theirs. When is enough enough? They thought if they pushed hard enough she would cave. They thought control and manipulation were the only ways to engage and correct. They were causing her more pain than any of their worries for her future ever could.
Do you see how our love is tinged with control and fear? It is only when we are willing to look deep within ourselves at our unconscious fears that we may be willing to change our ways.
Wishing people well is one thing, but wanting them to be something specific is controlling. If you express disappointment about a friend's struggle instead of understanding what they're going through your attitude would crush and hurt them, they would shut off and shut down. This is precisely how we behave with our kids. So attached to them being happy and successful that we make them feel unworthy when they are not. We aren't simply engaging in passive well wishing we offer to other people in our lives, these are active desires and expectations we project onto our kids. We need to give them the freedom to explore, mess up, get sad, angry, and learn that the messiness and beauty of life go hand in hand.
It is time to replace the idea of happiness and success with something entirely new and different. We need to move away from outcome goals to process goals. Instead, let's focus on something new:
Presence and experience. When we focus on presence, we focus on a state of aliveness and connection to the present moment. When we focus on experience, we focus on embracing whatever we are going through in the here and now. So whether our children are crying or smiling, our focus is less on judging and more on allowing them to experience an authentic relationship to that state of being. What is their inner connection to their life experiences? What are they learning? What inner transformations are they going through?
When we focus on such qualitative moments, life stops being about a fixed outcome and is focused instead on our state of being. There are no "good" or "bad" feelings anymore, just feelings.
Presence and experience are process-oriented; in contrast, happiness and success are outcome-oriented. When we teach our kids to ride the process of life and ignore the outcome, they can release their internal pressures and enter a state of joy and calm. Parents can do so as well.
Who said kids need to be happy and successful all the time? Who said it's our job to help them manage their feelings 24/7? Neither of these things are true. Your son is conditioned by you to be anxious about his moods and feelings. Because you are so focused on his feeling happy, you have made him feel as if anxiety or sadness is anathema. The truth is, these are just passing feelings that come and go if we allow them to. Because you panic every time his mood dips, so does he. You have taught him to be averse to his normal feelings. This aversion causes more agitation and anxiety. It is only when you can embrace all his feelings as just passing states of being that he will, too.
So the next time your kid is going through a struggle, I invite you to say these words to yourself:
My child is a human being experiencing human feelings of pain and struggle. These are normal feelings for a human. Every human has these messy feelings. These are not bad feelings. These are worthy feelings that will allow my child to grow into a resilient being who can self-regulate and self-govern. If I wipe away these feelings, my child will lose an opportunity to be authentic. I do not need my child to be happy or successful in order to feel good as a parent. My worth doesn't come from their grades, moods, or experiences; it comes from my own. I will hold space for all that shows up authentically for my child, and through my embrace of the is-ness, I will teach my child to embrace their is-ness as well.
Let's remove "happiness" and "success" from our vision boards and replace them with "presence" and "experience." In this way, our children can let their lives unfold as they are meant to without any judgment for them to be anything other than they are. Now, this is a beautiful gift to give our children.
We have deeply held beliefs not just about happiness and success, but also about other concepts, such as what it means to be good or bad, beautiful, or loving. All of these beliefs color our perceptions of our kids and influence our behavior toward them. A useful exercise is to uncover your unconscious assumptions around these concepts so that you can be aware when they intrude on your parenting. As
Here are some vital facts for you to remember: Our children did not make us parents. They had no choice in the matter. We made ourselves parents. It was our choice to become parents.
We act as if we are doing our kids a favor by raising them and that they should be eternally grateful to us for having taken care of them—as if we were their saviors and creators.
So filled are we with this air of largesse that we imagine we should win a prize for selflessness for having had our children.
We unconsciously embody a savior complex that says that because we bestowed on our kids the selfless favor of raising them, they should now treat us as if we were indeed their masters. As their creators, we think it is our job and right to dictate to them and influence their lives. Then, when they don't call us on our birthdays, don't return our texts on time, or make life choices contrary to our agendas, we lose our minds.
Here are two fundamental truths you need to absolutely accept right away to enter a greater state of clarity: (1) You didn't "create" your kids. They arrived here through biological cause and effect. (2) Having kids was not an act of selflessness. You had them to fulfill your own self-focused purposes. Your kids owe you nothing. Sure, they can give you respect and love, but they don't owe anything to you.
As you didn't create your children, you also are not their savior, nor the be-all and end-all of their lives. You might be thinking, "I should be treated like a savior. After all, I am expected to pay for everything when they f- it up. I'm the one who is supposed to clean up their mess and rescue them when they are stranded at a hospital or on a highway." I understand the feelings you likely have, but that is not how life works. While it sucks, this is the reality of parenting.
No one said it was fair.
Understanding your role as a parent is a key to conscious parenting. When you believe your role is to play god, even though this sounds like amazing power, it is actually the cause of great suffering for both you and your child. Our savior complex is buried deep beneath our subconscious and isn't readily apparent
Our overidentification with the role of parent and savior makes us feel that our kids should succumb to our power and influence. When they don't, we are insulted and resentful. By taking things personally, we mess up our own equilibrium, and theirs. If our kids fail at life, we feel as if we have failed in some way, and we suffer tremendously. Or if they have social problems, we feel as if these are our problems to fix somehow. Without our conscious awareness, thinking we are our children's saviors places us under tremendous pressure to "fix" them. Moreover, we feel extremely resentful when we discover that they are unfixable. And do you know how your kids feel? They suffer huge amounts of shame for having messed things all up. That's rightthis is yet another unliftable burden we unconsciously place on our kids.
The truth is that one of the goals of conscious parenting is to become irrelevant for our kids. You heard me right-irrelevant. This is an idea that our egos protest. We don't ever want to be deemed irrelevant. We want to be not just highly relevant, but supreme. The truth is that we need to raise our kids to not need us-and for this to happen, we need to allow them the space to fully step into their own lives. And to allow them that space, we need to back off and stop giving them our opinions at every turn. Do you see how this process works? We cannot desire independence for our kids and yet be sent into a tizzy each time they disregard our opinion or influence. The two simply do not go together.
The most effective way to release your savior complex is to ask yourself these questions:
rol aysw lamoɔ How do I feel when someone thinks I need to be saved or tries o to control me?
Do I like to be bossed around and lectured?
We support our children from the side. Rather than leading them from the front, we move to their sides and walk with them, side by side.
Instead of leading the way, we need to move into a new space of communion and kinship. Instead of seeing ourselves as the ones who are powerful and right, we need to enter a new way of interacting with our kids. Our rightful place is not in front of them or in their lane. It is by their side, in our own lane.
When you give your kids, especially after their teen years, your advicesolicited or unsolicited-you cripple them. Instead of guiding them to their own knowing, you encourage them to bypass the struggle they need to go through to find their own answers. This struggle is pivotal for the development of resilience
When we identify with the role of parent as savior, we underestimate the power of our children to save themselves. When we overparent them, we actually dehumanize and limit them. We clip their wings. Instead of allowing them to trust in their own knowing, we steer them toward trusting in ours-and what a great disservice we do to our children.
As a conscious parent, it is up to each of us to find ways to express trust and to honor our children's ability to know who they are. This is a gift they desperately need from us. A failure to bequeath this gift to them incrementally as they grow, and increasingly as they mature, speaks to our own inner lack and fear, not theirs. Our children are ready to take their wings and fly-in an age-appropriate manner, of course. It's our inability to let go that causes them to doubt themselves and to flounder.
Entering our own lane and trusting our children to navigate their own destiny at the right age is a tremendous offering of trust and respect. Our children crave this from us. Open your palms and give this to them freely and abundantly. Once you do, you will shift from seeing your children as lesser than you to seeing them as your equal partners in this adventure we call life.
My child is not a label, Nor an adjective nor a title, Nor an ornament nor a prize, Nor an achievement nor a goal.
My child is a human, Which means they are in constant formation, In constant flux and process, In rapid motion and commotion.
My desire to put them into a box Comes not from them But from my own resistance to their undefinable nature And my fear of confronting my own.
We don't think twice before we call them "good," "bad," "lazy," or "smart." We mete out labels without a second thought, as if they were pennies. These labels then influence our behavior toward our kids. We feel justified in treating them badly if we have just judged their behavior as bad. Then ishment feels rational. We don't stop to consider, "Am I right?" or "Is this true?" We think of the label in the moment and simply act as if this is who they are. What we fail to realize is that we are indelibly shaping our children's perceptions of themselves. These are powerful questions to consider: "What gives me the right to judge or label my child? Do I walk in their shoes or live in their circumstances?"
When we judge or label another, we presume several things. The first is that we are unquestionably right. This in itself may be one of the most dangerous things we can do in life-to presume the unchallenged superiority of our way of thinking over another's. It is the root cause of all the wars and conflicts in this world. When we judge our children, this is what we do, in essence. We assume we are superior, justified, and right. Ah, these are the very ingredients of relational disconnection and dysfunction.
The next thing we assume is an intimate knowledge of another human being-at a biological, emotional, and psychological level.
Given that no human can know another human, not even our own child, at such a level, aren't the labels we assign to other humans completely delusional? Yet we keep assigning labels. Our judgments and labels of others are the basis of racism, sexism, and violence.
Judgments and labels are the scourge of our existence and the root of our dysfunction in the world. By labeling our children consistently, we unconsciously train them to see the world from only one vantage point: black or white; good or bad. In this way, we unwittingly teach our children the fundamentals of prejudice.
Life is essentially neutral. It is neither "good" nor "bad." It just issomething that is brought about through infinite causes and effects.
A tiger eating a deer is not seen by nature as "good" or "bad," but simply as natural. So it is with all of life; it is all the natural outcome of interminable causes and effects. To pick something out of this chain to label as "good" or "bad" is simply unwise.
Hands down, the people you feel most comfortable around are those with whom you feel safest to be yourself-the ones who do not judge or label you. This is the same for our kids. So the question to ask yourself is this: Do I want to be a safe harbor for my children, where they can be who they are, or do I want to be someone they fear to be around? Your answer determines your willingness to shift from judgment to compassion. I am certain that you will steer yourself toward neutrality and consciousness.
Now here is a profound fact to contemplate:
We aren't supposed to have an inner child filled with fears and inner "holes," so to speak. We are supposed to feel full, complete, and worthy. We would feel that way if we had been celebrated for our authentic selves and raised by parents who celebrated their own authentic selves. We developed this fearful inner child because we were raised by unconscious parents in an unconscious culture.
Imagine that! All our current insecurities and unworthiness don't have to exist. Tragically, instead of being celebrated for our whole selves and accepted for exactly who we are, we have been invalidated and slivered into pieces, with many holes. Our holes grew larger and larger, depending on how unmet our inner needs were.
These holes created our inner child, plagued with unworthiness and fear our first I.
You see, when we lose touch with our true selves in childhood, everything gets messed up. Now, instead of operating out of intrinsic worth, we operate out of intrinsic loathing. So what do we do now?
We create a false self to cope with this inner lack of worth. We employ this false self to purchase love, validation, and approval. This is our second I-our impostor ego, which is in essence a collection of all the masks we wear to fulfill our innate desires to be seen as whole, complete, and worthy.
You are wearing your ego mask each time you engage in the following behaviors:
Yelling, screaming, or cursing at your child.
Self-blaming or self-criticizing.
Withdrawing in rejection or fear.
Isolating yourself or shutting down.
THE FIGHTERS
I feel worthy when I am in control of everyone. Anger is how I gain power and dominance over others.
the enforcer
Rules matter more than feelings. Kids should obey parents at all costs. Kids should be punished for disobedience. It's the parents way or the highway.
-the exploder
Parents need to show dominance and supreme control. Children learn through fear. Creating fear through punishment and anger brings results. Children need to be submissive to parents. Parents should never be friendly with their children.
-the litigator
Life is a game of winners and wizards and I need to be a winner. I cannot be wrong and I will prove that I am not. It is more important to be right than to be connected. People are objects within this game. Children our ponds to be used to win. The way to get word is to manipulate others on a mental level. Arguments and debates are more effective than dialogue.
-the critic
My opinion matters a lot and others should hear it. Nothing is good enough as it is; it can all be improved. Accepting reality or others as they are is simply too soft and passive. Criticizing others makes me feel better about myself.
-the passive-aggressive
I am in control, and I will use that control to each other's a lesson. I will withdraw my love and affection to teach them to obey me. I want to "show" the other who is right. They will learn through my absence. I will win at the end of the game.
We cannot love unconditionally, immeasurably yes, but we tend to love based on our feeling of being in control.
Every child is different – but, from the moment they enter this world, all children share one crucial need: the need to be seen and accepted as their authentic selves by the people closest to them. Sadly, this is often extremely difficult for parents to do. Why? Because our own parents failed to do the same for us, because their parents failed to do it for them, in a pattern going back generations.
Here are some ego behaviors that are likely damaging your relationship with your child: yelling and screaming at your child; engaging in self-critique; emotionally withdrawing when unpleasant emotions are triggered; shutting down when faced with difficult situations.
The goal of conscious parenting is simple: accept your child for who they are, unconditionally. But this simple goal is very difficult to put into practice. Think about it. How many people in your life do you accept unconditionally – including among your friends, your family, and even yourself? For most people, the answer will be none.
Once you can simply be with your child, it’s time to take things a step farther, and work on actively connecting with them. This can be challenging – children communicate differently from adults. As a parent, you need to learn your child’s language. Young children’s primary language is unstructured play. Get down on the floor with your child and do what they do, whether that’s hiding under the table or slithering over the carpet like a snake. Resist the urge to correct them or to turn their game into a learning experience. Playing with your child on their terms is one of the best ways to validate them – after all, you’re entering their world of imagination and possibility and, most importantly, you’re taking it as seriously as they do.
Here are three methods to try instead:
First up: negotiation. We avoid negotiation because it seems hard and time-consuming. It’s easy for parents to say, “You’re not getting your ears pierced until you’re in high school, and that’s final!” Sitting down with your child and finding a solution in which you both get – in part or in full – what you want is far more time-consuming and potentially frustrating. But entering open-heartedly into the negotiation process tells your child you take their needs seriously and are prepared to fulfill them to the best of your abilities.
The next technique: boundary-setting. Be careful with boundaries. While they are meant to protect our capacity to interact lovingly with others, to protect their health and our own, all too often we use boundaries as walls to shut people out and control their behavior. The moment you use a boundary to micromanage your child – for example: “You can’t have any more chocolate chip cookies because you’re overweight” – is the moment your ego takes over. Set boundaries, instead, out of an intention to preserve communal well-being, without singling out problem behaviors – for example: “Chocolate chip cookies aren’t healthy to eat. So we won’t have them in the house anymore.”
The final technique? Consequences. Conscious parents make their children aware their actions have consequences, but they don’t go out of their way to shield their children from them. Many parents impose artificial consequences to protect their child from the natural effects of their behavior – think: if you don’t do your homework, you’ll lose screen time privileges. But experiencing natural repercussions has been shown to be far more effective at deterring poor behavior and decision-making in future. What if your child did experience those natural consequences of their actions? Discuss what will happen if they don’t do their homework – perhaps they’ll receive a punishment from their teacher. What would be so bad about that? Step out of the way, and let your children experience consequences for themselves.
When you can accept your child for who they are, and for the choices they make, without trying to impose your own egoic demands on them, then you can fully enter into the radical joy of conscious parenting.
Accepting that your kid is not within the standard bell curve may feel like a disappointment and a letdown. Here is the truth that may relieve you: your child is absolutely okay as they are. It's just that society is too narrow for them. If society were more fluid and expansive, it would be able to accept your child without making them feel ostracized or "weird."
The best approach is to remember that your child is not abnormal; they are just larger than life.
